Today is my turn to say the words… “I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!”

I knew this is going to happen just when you thought you’ve had it all figured out. Well, it’s not just some manic  setback that suddenly arises, it’s been there all along… I just thought I could be spared from it and it’s hard to accept, that my presumption turned out wrong.  Just this one time, I am wishing to be freed from sacrificing my own happiness for other people’s sake. I mean, it’s not like what would be best for my loved ones won’t make me happy, but for me to be able to fully give it to them means that I would have to give up what I want. It means that I would have to wait for my dreams to be realized. Sitting right here, bursting with ideas that cannot materialize, trying to keep the passion alive and waiting to strike at the right moment, is simply tormenting me!  What a torture, I say!

I feel like a pet dog on a leash, watching a bone being thrown overhead, forever anticipating to take a chance to catch it before it hits the ground then you take your position and rush towards it, but just a few inches before having your bite marks on the bone – something tugs at your neck, chokes you up and drags you back to your cage. I’m not sure how a real dog would feel about losing a bone to other rabid mutts, but it must feel this way…it must feel utterly dejected.

Then the person who takes hold of it would pat the dog on the head and ruffle its fur and say, “Don’t worry boy, we got you a better meal at home…just wait ‘til we get there.” But if that dog could talk, can I guess what it would say?! “F***! No! Who told you I want meaty pedigree food? I want that bone that everybody wants and I want it NOWWWWW!!!!”     

But…being the ever obedient and loyal pet, it wouldn’t bite off its owner’s arm unless it has already gone mad.  

I have had a lot of experience taking care of pets; I only let them go when I know they could already take care of themselves and when I’m confident that they can find their way back home. There have also been a few times when I grieve for the lost of some because I made the mistake of letting them go when I felt they needed their freedom.

I’ve never been a dog and I doubt if I’d be reincarnated into one so I can’t speak for them, but I’ve been a pet owner…and having a pet that’s close to your heart feels like having a child, if you know what I mean (and not that I’m saying I’ve been a mother.lol!:P trying to cheer myself up!)

So which side I should understand better is pretty clear, as you can see, although I still feel it’s time and I am ready to go on my own now yet how do I reason it out?

Argh, I’m trying so hard not to acquire the irrationality of a dog and to remind myself that I am human and that I should know better!

Hmm yeah, why should I be confused really? I am acting as if I’m not capable of doing loads of things at the same time.  This is actually what I like about ranting and blogging, after pouring all my sentiments out…I find a solution to my problem. But no, it’s not an easy task…I am still required to sacrifice something that means a lot to me. I just hope I am the only one who would suffer. I can take it, mind you, just as long as I don’t see anyone hurt or my heart would break. Have I not told you that playing a martyr is one of my hidden talents? I rarely use it, but it comes in handy when extremely needed.

Note: Martyrdom is fatal to remorseful ones. There, I have at least one thing to be thankful for – that I am not the type to sulk in regrets. *smile Sarj, good things are bound to happen in the end*

*this was two days overdue.

…kicks in at this time of the day so you know what I did? I watched My Sassy Girl for the nth time. That’s only how far my cheesiness could go. Any movie considered cheesier than that is a no goer. So why did I choose this movie? It’s simple, it always makes my eyes well up with tears and it’s good to feel melodramatic sometimes just to check if my lachrymal glands are working and I still get a normal heartbeat. Haha! It actually made me cry the first time even if my brothers were sitting side by side with me while watching it. Boo! Up until now I still think that in that movie, the guy was in an even worse situation compared to the girl. Although if you think about it, they possess one thing in common: they are both emotional masochists. But aren’t we all like that when it comes to loving?

“What is fate? It’s building a bridge of chance for your love.”  Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve managed to mass up some additional bulk during my trip weighing 3 kilos and since I have decided to crash diet with only having cereals, oats and wheat clubhouse sandwiches in the morning, I have successfully pulled my weight back down to normal in just 3 days. But as soon as I started feeling good about my whole being again, I took the first chance to overeat and binge-drink on a buffet dinner. I didn’t even hold back. I was all out. I didn’t even resist the temptation even for just a second although I knew I was making a mistake. Ahh, such goodness, I couldn’t afford to miss. To hell with the dieting, this is my happiness NOW. But thinking that I am only 2 more days away from our beach outing makes me feel a little sad. I would have completely gotten rid of this beer gut if I had made a sacrifice. It may not be a big thing for people who could live on small portions of salad or or whatnot, but I don’t think I could starve myself to death with that when I have a choice to eat. It’s the same thing with people who couldn’t see the reason why beer is one of the most amazing discoveries ever - to date! As long the barrels hasn’t run out of it yet and if alcohol fund is not a question, drinking beer will always be a part of my life.

So you know you can live without these things, you just don’t want to. You keep taking it in even when you know you’ve had enough because for some reason, losing yourself in the moment feels so liberating. Then eventually you stop because you’ve had too much to make you sick that you just have to.

Well, that doesn’t happen all the time, does it? You could pretend to be knocked out and sick, dodge all the beers and save your popping beer gut…well maybe just for tonight, I’d leave it to the boys. Got to put some sense back into my head.:)

Let me put some music on…