“I won’t leave you, as long as you’re willing to stay..as long as you’re willing to keep me.”
“You always think about the future while i think of how to get ourselves there…”
“if you think that these [problems] are trials, then what the hell are you complaining about? You shouldn’t be complaining why these things are happening,right?”
“i want to defend our relationship to myself and to others. i want to prove and show them that what we have is worth fighting for..”
“alam ko kung bakit ko pa rin ito ipinaglalaban..at ipaglalaban ko ito dahil sayo. pero kailangan ko ring malaman kung kaya mo akong ipaglaban sa bandang huli.”
“you’re worth every risk..so don’t wonder why i’m still here for you..”
“this is not about your friends or mine. me or you. this is about US. this is about letting go or holding on, about change or stagnantcy. it’s about saying what you truly feel not by hardening our hearts, but by opening it up.”
“when i say it’s over, all lines are cut, all bets are off..”
“never kitang hinigpitan o binalak solohin..i was just asking for your time. now, if you won’t listen, you can have all the time for yourself.”
“selfish? selfish ba ang gustuhin kitang makita at makasama ka?”
“bawal bang mag-express ng emotion? bawal bang sabihin ko na nasasaktan ako?”
“one question: do you want to let go of me?”
“if you want me to believe you, then i would have to believe everything you said to me…good and bad.”
“ano? gusto mo magaganda lang ang paniwalaan ko? do i have to disregard the negative ones? NO.”
“Hindi ako natatakot na iwanan mo ako kung alam natin pareho na walang patutunguhan to. natatakot ako na magbago, coz you might not like it. natatakot ako na kasama dun ang pagbago ng tingin ko sayo..”
First of all, I would like to apologize to myself for all those self-deprecating stuff that i previously wrote.
I’ve finally come to my senses…finally. I knew I just had to sip some cammomile tea. But the next time I get myself into this pit, I hope it won’t be worse. Hehe.
Wahhh…Why do most guys always misinterpret what I say? When I say something nice about them or make a compliment, they will right off the bat assume that you like them. When I say something like, “Gago ka kasi eh!” or “Heh! Tumigil ka! Puro katarantaduhan alam mo e!,” they will feel start to feel bad and tell me, “Nakakasakit ka na ha. Lagi ka na lang ganyan”..Argh! Like as if I mean it?!? I was joking. I was even laughing when I tell them that. Hayy..napaka-sensitive naman and that really annoys me. Ugh. Reallyyy….infuriates me!
I’m perfectly fine, at least, that’s what I’m telling myself - and I would like to believe that I am.
“Are you okay?”
I am always faced with this question. My usual and predictable answer is a nod and a reassuring smile that instantly shadows over my aching vulnerability. You’d never notice. But maybe, if you would look at me closer and a little longer - you’d see the ghost of emptiness that still lurks within me. Maybe, if you could be fast enough to catch my eyes even before I infinitely stare at an invisible spot way past your shoulder - you’d see that these eyes are full of undetected lies. Yes, maybe…if you care. But people could only care less. Who cares anyway? I don’t even think you do.
These people have constantly pictured me as someone who has never known sadness, defeat, misery and pain…someone who has never been down in the dumps…someone who never frowns. There are but a few have the privilege to view the “real me” through an untainted window. I’ve been in this masquerade for God knows how long and I can say that, my act has proven to be quite impressive. Everything’s running smoothly until I finally felt my insides turning to rot and smell of shrouded truth. I hope someone can sniff it off and proclaim the harsh and bitter realities of my life for 19 long years of existence. I could only go so far as to coax myself out of this sinking depression wrapped in an oppressive silence.
“Am I okay?”
Now I’d ask myself this and my answer would have to be yes - and I would probably try so hard to convince myself and insist on believing in something that is purely a prevarication. I cannot fool myself this time. I cannot take another look in the mirror and see the person behind the mask with a smile that struggles through tears, with a kind of expression that is so full of emotion that can be interpreted in a manifold of ways, with a pair of troubled, almost despairing brown eyes which looks back intently at her own reflection that is so real..forlorn and utterly…fragile. There’s no greater pain than seeing yourself so broken and helpless for not having enough power to sustain or to alleviate even half the burden of your loved ones. I feel worthless. Defenseless. Powerless. Every word that has the word “less” attached to it portrays me.
I’m never good enough. I am someone, but a clown.
When my ardor dies down and tears begin to streak and wash away my cosmetic-enhanced, callous face - I pray that God would still continue to knock on the side of my head and whisper in my heart…to keep my sanity and faith intact.
