I spent most of my time with Weltsch today. I hope his ears didn’t wound up listening to my unending cathartic stories and delusions. God, I knew that I just had to get away from all those thoughts…argh. Even for a while. Yeah, i’ve been getting “mostly mushy” lately and I’ve been wondering, “is this really me?”. It’s like I’ve been putting up with this game and bridging the gap between my seemingly hypothetical boyfriend and me. Ugh. My efforts seem so useless now even to my own. I’m afraid it’s not helping much. I can carry on, but I can’t do this alone. I can’t be alone. We are t0-ge-ther. Aren’t we? Even I would want to doubt that. Shit. I cannot allow this to happen to me. I told him that I don’t wanna hear anything but the truth. If he tells otherwise, I swear that even hell would spit him out. He’ll be damned forever. He won’t belong anywhere, but on the ground beneath my feet. Whew, would you believe I had that much anger the day before this? and before I talked with Weltsch, I was not hell bent to squeeze the bitter tears…
Grabe! Sobrang hiyang hiya talaga ako. Actually, I was laughing at myself while I was wording out the mushy message that I sent to “boyfriend”(what the hell is with the quotation marks? oh,what the hell?haha…) and when I was finally through…I started blubbering like an idiot. Trying to speak in between sobs. I didn’t only surprise Weltsch, but myself, too. Jeez, I was fully aware that he was not quite sure what to say or do when he saw me at that state. Nabigla kasi kami pareho. Haha. And I was like messing up with the cheap tissue on our table. I was making good use of it in wiping away the outburst of rage (self-pity?). Scrubbing it against my face and trying to cover my eyes until it finally got soaked. I was a mess. Amidst the blast of noise from the arcade area, the sputtering of the bleached hair frat boys in trendy-yucky ghetto outfit, the people having their picture-taking to be included in their grand eyeball mementos - I was desperately trying to control myself. I mean, that’s not the right place. Not in the food court, not with all those people watching you - when I cry my heart out, I never want to be discreet. Not good for the heart. 
So the next time, I would rush inside the washroom and bawl out! Hehe…at least, I’d find my own solitary retreat even in a filthy cubicle. Hmmm…but on second thought, it was better that he’s already seen me cry. So when it happens again, he wouldn’t be surprised. Right?! And it’s great, because I can talk about it right away. 
Hayy…I’m just thankful that I have my sounding board with me.:) and he actually knows the exact thing to do when I’m whimpering…he shuts up and just stupidly looks at me.(haha!peace!;p) no need for words, I feel your sympathy…Nah, just the fact that you listen is more than enough to make me feel alright again. Hayy…maybe now I can hit the sack and doze off… I WON’T LET THESE THOUGHTS RUIN MY SLEEP.
