Mineral: Sadder Star
sadder star.
she holds the world in her fingertips,
all the joy and all the pain.
she only has to close her eyes and open them again,
to find out what is good and what is true… and what remains.
when she cries, i swear that i have never seen
a sadder star… fall…
from the sky.
she holds a promise in her beating heart.
and i will never understand,
how her mother and her father,
could bring her into this world and give her life,
and refuse to let her hold it in her hands.
when she cries, i swear that I have never seen
a sadder star… fall…
from the sky.
and it can’t feel good,
not to trust the one you love the most.
and she can’t feel good,
knowing she’s not trusted by the one who loves her most.
when she cries, i swear that i have never seen,
a sadder star… fall…
from the sky.
I spent almost an hour in the bathroom and another hour fixin’ myself up. Before that, I had manicure and pedicure without any help.:) I was excited. Totally excited to see him again. Then a message, he’s almost there where we should meet up and I was still towel-drying my hair. My muscle got all tensed up. I don’t wanna let him wait. Getting rattled, I forgot to spritz some cologne. Waiting. There was no FX headed to that place…then “along came” a patok jeep. Dammit! I had to squeeze myself to get in. To my mind, it was the fastest way to get there although I was quite hesitant. Argh. I hate it. I felt like I wasted two hours to smell and look really good. In about 20 minutes time, I got off and was already fuming with hot air. I’ve sniffed poluted air, my face powder was mixed with dust and my blouse smelled of blown engine. Wahh!I was furious, but when I saw him…a smile appeared across my face. I couldn’t help it. I missed him. I tried to keep a straight face and pretend that I didn’t wanna talk. But he wrapped his arms around me and all I could do was to hug him back. Argh. Then I started talking and dissolved into laughter.
We went to Greenbelt instead of Rockwell. Heard mass, ate and saw a movie. I felt like he wanted me to take care of the movie tickets. (Di naman ako manhid eh.Hehe). But I didn’t took the initiative to go to the cashier and get two for 300 bucks. He has to pay for everything, I thought to myself. If everything goes well, I’d pay for the gas and parking - if it don’t, then I’d have to leave him there and get a cab home. I’ve had made myself a deal. Great.
Contrary to what I’ve had in mind, everything was ideal. He was not complaining. He was all nods. We were always entwined with each other. He didn’t get irritated when I was bitching about the wet pavement and the yucky jell-o. Huh?! But he was quiet. I asked him if there was something wrong and he kept saying nothing. Well, I think I was just getting paranoid. So I just shrugged it off. Movie was over and we’re headed home. I paid for the parking fee. MAHAL!haha.
On our way home, I decided to open up the topic and dissect our past issues…that hasn’t been settled yet. So since he was driving he just kept on agreeing to whatever I say and every time I’d give him that is-that-all-you-have-got-to-say look, he’d say something…but not an opposing one. He didn’t react violently nor enthusiastically. Right. I said that. Well, he said that those things would never happen again and he’d always make time for me. Good. I hope that would come to reality. I also asked him about the things that he finds wrong with me or the things that I’ve been doing wrong (because I don’t know it. I had to get it from him. I don’t know his own interpretation of “evil acts”, so he had to tell me..so i would have to avoid it) and his reply was, “Wala naman akong problema sayo e…it’s just that i worry too much when you’re out lalo na pag ginagabi ka ng uwi. Tapos di ka pa agad nagttext sa akin…lalo na pag kasama mo mga friends mo.” Basically, yun lang reklamo nya sa akin? So he knows how it feels to worry too much and forever wait for a reply. Effective. He should know what he’s been doing to me for 3 weeks (counted!hehe). So there, all he wanted was for me to reply ON time, to not cut him off when we’re talking on the phone, and not to go home late…or not to tell him when i’m coming home late so he wouldn’t worry?!what?!…oh whatver. Finally home, long drive, dropped me off, talked for a while on the couch…hugged him goodbye. real tight. asked him to take care of himself and blah blah blah….all the mushy stuff that you won’t believe you’d hear from me. Yeah, swear. My cousins would always tell me that they can’t imagine me saying touchy-feely stuff to a guy…they have always thought of me as girl without weak points. But I admitted to them that I am actually a marshmallow gal….a candy bar…half sweets and half nuts. And they still would still think I’m a hoax. Shit. Fine. They haven’t seen me cry. They don’t know me.
So…we talked casually for like 30 mins.(bitin talaga!). I was really nice. I’d always smile after finishing my every sentence. We made compromises. But I haven’t told him that if this fails, I would have no choice but to leave. And if he’d want me back, he would have a hard time finding me again…or it may never happen.never happen.never.
Whew, this is long enough. I never intended to write down every single detail. Hehe. I just got a lot of stamina to press the keys and my mind is actually hyper active at this moment.
In a nutshell, my feelings haven’t changed…I still lean on his shoulders…I still kiss him sweetly(esp. on the nose)…I still find the gaps between his fingers matched with mine…I still look at him the same way…
One more try before it’s goodbye. I was not known to easily give up. I won’t lose this fight. I gotta do something to motivate him do the same. If it doesn’t work…it’s about time to turn the table.
“It is during those times when i pretend not to care that i am scared the most of losing you…”
I took the risk. It’s all or nothing.
meet my new hunky baby…tadahh!!!
That’s Ben Jelen. Sounds nice…he’s named after my Dad. Oh geez.
what can you say huh? aren’t we a match made in heaven? bwahaha…
here’s yours truly flashing her pearlywhites…
okay…I may look scary there.my eyes sorta widened a bit.well, i’m a rockstar wannabe(avril’s eyeshadows but not too dark!nyak!)
what?!…we look like sisters?who the hell said that?!
okay…change topic.
I’m not in the “ayoko-na mood” today. so i write….
we have tried to settle our “disputes”. My instinct is still in good condition. It is effectively working and it’s helping me a lot to get through. Now I’m as calm as the sea during sunrise.
Oh light…cast down on me.
