No matter how perfect you seem to be to other people, someone is always out to get you to tell you that you’re not good enough.
Whenever you struggle to be at your best and shoot for perfection with the things you do - no matter how minuscule - people expect more of you each time. It normally doesn’t get me, but there’s just this one person that’s making it a real big thing. It’s so hard to live up to the expectations of others, mind you - instead of attaining a solid sense of fulfillment, you become a victim of (your own) circumstance. A slave to manipulative minds. A mutatnt in a replusive world with all the inhumane ways to smother you. A stranger to your own.
—————->
I’m still having the dizzying backlash of that terrible blow.
All the while I was thinking that it could only happen in movies…extreme emotions could really lead to temporary paralysis, chest tightening, and violent acidic spasms in your tummy that makes you wanna throw up. I was a zombie. No sense of direction; almost lifeless. I felt my heart banging against my chest like a rock with sharp and jagged edges. It felt as if it’s bent on wriggling out. I know I was in pain. But I didn’t feel any of this until I halted and fill my lungs with air ( I thought I really could have died.haha)…uhuh, i guess it’s still an instinct to live. Draining my eyes, I started noticing where I was heading and decided to go back and continue living, despite the misery and squalor I’d still have to endure (for sure). I won’t end the battle this way - not when everything you’ve got to lose is already mine. Now, Breathe.
It’s easier to let go of the hurt, when you still hold on to something far more important than your grudges. Emancipate yourself from your bad blood.
—————–>
Grr, I’m making the wrong move again! Oh no. I’ve vowed to not let any guy get close to me again. And what is this? I don’t want this one. (Nyak) I don’t have any problem being nice or being rude at that, but I only give the person what they deserve. I try to be fair at all times. Although fairness is a concept that applies only to limited situations, things, individuals (?). But I should be avoiding things like this. I should be blocking them off. Tama! Everytime we’d talk about things we have in common, he’d say “Wow, pareho pala tayo” or whenever I say something he usually finds amusing, there’s the Wow again plus “you’re almost perfect na talaga.sayang” (bang!ayan na naman yang “perfect” na yan!ano ba kayo?!I’m not perfect!) yeah, one of those pick-up lines, huh? But you know, he’s very transparent and he openly shares stories about his past relationships (that I don’t even wanna know if it was up to me), views, life, ideal girl (thank God!it/she doesn’t look like me). My bro tells me the same thing about him, too. Very open and honest. Oh well, they’re friends. He seems really nice and all…but he’s vulnerable. That’s why I wanna keep him at a comfortable distance. I don’t wanna create any deep seated connection between us and develop a sort of fondness for a guy friend. I don’t wanna give myself hope that he would stay for always and in the end, a hard time pretending that our friendship never existed. In the end, it will always be me and the infinite expanse between our polarized worlds.
Maybe someday someone will fill the role of a male bestfriend in my life, but *sigh* maybe that already too much to ask..*heavier sigh*
——————–>huh?
