I ask a question: “How do I move on?”
And the tarot card that I picked today reads:
Death/Rebirth
Full Reading: This shows a grim reaper and a white rose at the same time. The Sun is setting in the background of the card, indicating the end of daylight hours. This is the card of endings, renewal and transformation of the highest order. The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life. Sometimes an unpleasant event shows us the way to a new path. This may seem traumatic at the time, but it is also saying that the old ways are no longer valid, or of value in your new life. It is time to cast aside whatever is hindering your progress in life and make a whole new start. Turn the leaf, sow new seeds, wear new clothes, change your appearance, move house, leave that boring job and get out there and dance. Life can end at any moment for any of us, so it is how wisely we spend our time here that really matters. You can still be serious about some aspects of your life, but leave plenty of room open for fun and for spontaneity. When we are on our death-bed, we will wish we had kicked up our heels more often, been more carefree, eaten more ice-cream, danced longer, sang out loud and showed others how much we love them. Don’t wait till then, do it now, while you are alive and still kicking.
———->
Yep, some kind of a coincidence or something. But I liked it. And how I wish I could do it soon… 
Hay, I’ll be better. Promise.
———->
What comes after the death of a love once blooming? It’s the rebirth of my life that was once lost in loving.
“Yan ang storya!”, my cousins screamed in unison. It was like hearing boos on your beautifully-painted masterpiece that didn’t sell. How could refuse to believe reality?
I’ve told them about it but then, you know. They won’t believe me. Do I look like i’m messing around? Okay, I may be smiling but hey…i heard myself say..err,bitterly forced the words out. It tasted bitter, like I could shudder. I couldn’t make out of my expression. I didn’t know if I really looked like I was kidding. And they laughed at me. I felt that they were mocking my feelings, although they weren’t really. I just thought, okay. I wouldn’t say a thing about it anymore - though they accept it as true or not, it’s okay. At least I wouldn’t have to answer their prodding questions.
“Asan si Vj?”, “Sabihin mo punta dito next week, basketball kami.” “Naku, kung andito si Vj hindi nya matitikman yung carbonara ko kasi iba niluto ko.” “Bakit hindi mo sinama?” “Ate, ang cute ng picture nyo sa friendster.” **pictures with partners** “Yan, di mo kasi sinama…wala ka tuloy paparazzi pics with boyfriend.”
Argh. Can you guys just cut it out? Do you really have to see me miserable? Until when can I act casually with all of you guys trying to fill me with the memories up to the brink of my eyes? “Ok lang yan…” Stop telling me that because it’s not and I AM NOT. Maybe it will be okay soon or much later. I don’t know. And as much as i badly want to know when my heartaches would stop, i’d rather not. I just wanna take my time to grieve over my loss, to watch the world pass by, to learn to walk with shaking knees, to welcome and embrace the pain until i become a part of it and to practice looking ahead and not tracking back to what once have been my spot. I no longer belong there but I haven’t started packing up my things yet.
Hay… Am i that good in concealing my real emotion? Of course i didn’t wanna burst into tears in front of them or lock myself inside the room and tell them to leave me alone (though I almost, well, somehow did). Wahh… I don’t wanna be like this forever. Forever is an awfully long time to mend a heart aching for the past. I wanna live in the “now”. But right now is too soon to hide a heart bleeding for another drop of yesterday. Yeah, how can you possibly keep your head with that dilemma?
Answer is: I DON’T KNOW. Do you?
Read what my Friendster profile says:
SaRj
Female, 21, Single
Profile Viewed: 62 times since 1/7/2006
Interested in Meeting People for: Friends
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Location: Philippines
Hometown: space between
Friendster Member Since: Sep 2003
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
Please don’t ask me anything about this entry after absorbing everything. I’ve stopped entertaining questions. Please, just do me this favor. Thank you.
I finally learned to let go of my greatest fears - the worst part is - one of which is, LOSING HIM. Yes, Veejay. It was beyond imaginable. For the last time, I had to be strong although I’m breaking into bits of ice being stabbed with an ice pick. I still hurt. And I don’t know how long this would throb inside of me. Don’t let my defenses melt away.
God, help me get over.
And guys, I need your cooperation too. Even for a month - at the very least - let’s not talk about it. Okay? Wag niyo akong kulitin. I’m not gonna breathe a word anymore.
Time to move on. I’ll figure out how. I have to!
“…tell me where do I start coz it’s breaking my heart…I don’t wanna let him go.”
But…
It has to end.
Should it start over again, it would have to be more real. More mature. Less complicated. Less of him and less of me. A total change.
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