“Yan ang storya!”, my cousins screamed in unison. It was like hearing boos on your beautifully-painted masterpiece that didn’t sell. How could refuse to believe reality?
I’ve told them about it but then, you know. They won’t believe me. Do I look like i’m messing around? Okay, I may be smiling but hey…i heard myself say..err,bitterly forced the words out. It tasted bitter, like I could shudder. I couldn’t make out of my expression. I didn’t know if I really looked like I was kidding. And they laughed at me. I felt that they were mocking my feelings, although they weren’t really. I just thought, okay. I wouldn’t say a thing about it anymore - though they accept it as true or not, it’s okay. At least I wouldn’t have to answer their prodding questions.
“Asan si Vj?”, “Sabihin mo punta dito next week, basketball kami.” “Naku, kung andito si Vj hindi nya matitikman yung carbonara ko kasi iba niluto ko.” “Bakit hindi mo sinama?” “Ate, ang cute ng picture nyo sa friendster.” **pictures with partners** “Yan, di mo kasi sinama…wala ka tuloy paparazzi pics with boyfriend.”
Argh. Can you guys just cut it out? Do you really have to see me miserable? Until when can I act casually with all of you guys trying to fill me with the memories up to the brink of my eyes? “Ok lang yan…” Stop telling me that because it’s not and I AM NOT. Maybe it will be okay soon or much later. I don’t know. And as much as i badly want to know when my heartaches would stop, i’d rather not. I just wanna take my time to grieve over my loss, to watch the world pass by, to learn to walk with shaking knees, to welcome and embrace the pain until i become a part of it and to practice looking ahead and not tracking back to what once have been my spot. I no longer belong there but I haven’t started packing up my things yet.
Hay… Am i that good in concealing my real emotion? Of course i didn’t wanna burst into tears in front of them or lock myself inside the room and tell them to leave me alone (though I almost, well, somehow did). Wahh… I don’t wanna be like this forever. Forever is an awfully long time to mend a heart aching for the past. I wanna live in the “now”. But right now is too soon to hide a heart bleeding for another drop of yesterday. Yeah, how can you possibly keep your head with that dilemma?
Answer is: I DON’T KNOW. Do you?
