August 9 (our would have been and supposedly monthsary date)
His first text in the morning. “Happy Monthsary Schatzie!hehe…”
I replied: “I don’t find it funny.”
I don’t know why he’s still texting me and I don’t know why I am still replying. Grr. I badly want to kill the impulse, but I don;t think that would alleviate the pain I’m still feeling. Hmmm… but yeah, when you’ve finally learned to walk past the impulse and swim against the current —I’m positive that I’d be totally free. Knowing that fear itself has loosened its grip on me. Hay… I stopped feeling bad as soon as I squeezed out all my remaining sentiments over a hearty lunch. O ano? Hindi niyo nahalata noh? Bleh! I was no longer feeling bad at all. But then again, that night, as I tried to bring our conversation to an end…He said: “Happy Monthsary…sleep tight. gudmornyt.”
Argh…gudmornyt? ahhh!!! I didn’t send anything back. I just wanna scream, “why don’t you just kill me?!” No, not a drop of tear until I buried my face in my pillow and entered that dream. In the dream, I was crying. I was crying for that reason. And I could feel the exacerbated pain going up to my head. It was so real. In fact, it was and i shook myself into wakefulness. 3:27 a.m. as I felt the stinging tears.
Tears. Why won’t you fall? Why do you want to hurt my eyes? Why can you never leave me? Fall, please. And wash away my misery.
But…you just kept still. Nevertheless, even as I rub you off…it is hurting me much more than it is hurting you. But are you hurt? You can transform into anything and leave without a mark, but on my scratched out eyeballs.
