even during my idle moments, i still find ways to communicate and let the whole world know that i’m doing shit and I want to get out of it! Friendster, Yahoo Messenger and my mp3 compilation play as my life support and yes(you bet), my anchor to keep me in place. I need more distraction to keep my head above the surface though. I always want to be working on something so my body wouldn’t freeze and sink. I want to keep myself busy and take my mind far from the world I see and I am now getting used to living.
Am I getting myself across? Can you hear me choking on every word I say? Or am I too far away now? How can I get to where you are? Dreams. Success. Bliss. These ardous attempts always seem to resemble failure whenever I feel the sand beneathe my feet. I want to stop swimming and finally get to the shore. By then I can die under the burning heat sipping a singapore sling with my face to the sun.
e-mo-tion (noun) : an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.
it flicks like a switch and twitch your heart inside. these emotions hit you directly with a force of an avalanche and some people like me and bestie have found a synonym for emotion and that is, curse.
It is a curse. And sometimes you wonder why it has to happen. And why does it happen on you. A certain emotion has been blocked out of my system and for a long time I thought that I was no longer capable of feeling the pinch. But why am I here feeling like a candle wasted in burning? What am I thinking? Am I missing out on something? I must have left unfinished businesses during the clearing out. I must have mistaken a serious wound for a scab and didn’t think of giving an aid for healing. Whatever it is, I feel like something in me tore open and it hurt. It isn’t that bad. I just hate it. If I have to feel pain all my life, I would have chosen to be a rock. And crunch beneathe your feet, break into pieces and still remain as a solid dimentional rock of hollowness.
Whew, eventhough you hardly have any idea of what I’m talking about…I’m now zingy that writing shoved me out of my emotional distress. It may be temporarily, but it helps. At least at this moment, I’m still functioning as a human half granite slab.
———->Side B
Yesterday:
A glorious day for shopping. Arriving from Laguna, my grandparents’ Golden Anniversary, we agreed to brave the always suffocating crowd of Divisoria and SM malls with my cousins. It was really fun with a sigh of exhaustion. I’m not yet done with my Christmas shopping and I’m afraid that I’m almost out of time. But I have planned an agenda already. Since I couldn’t find nice shoes for my mom (which I am not even sure would fit), I think I’d just bring her to the Mall with me. Then we’ll buy a gift for Dad.
Who doesn’t like receiving gifts in gliterry and stylish wrappers? Well, my brothers are the top spoilers of excitement. Really. The one dragged me to his favorite shop and told me that there’s only one gift he wanted to get from me and it’s that Nike khaki shorts. Damn it. I don’t know why I couldn’t say no to him. I’ve been hypnotized. I resisted a bit but later on gave in. I really couldn’t complain with that freaking smile on his face that tells me, “Sis, you’re the best! at nauto na naman kita!”. Argh. Anyway, the other is trying to guess what I got for him and he’s right! Ohmygulaysh! I wanted to hide the suprised look on my face but my eyes betrayed me! I couldn’t help laughing in disbelief. My cousin (si Ms. Pabili at Arbor), was able to convince me to buy her something. Ugh. It was like my Christmas shopping list has been ruined. What am I going to need it for? I bought what they wanted and not what I wanted to give them that I THINK they WANT. Hmm, maybe I just have a hang up on gift giving when I was still a toddler. Sarj, you’re getting old. You’re ageing. Stop treating people like a bunch of kids waiting for their socks to be filled with candies on Christmas Eve! Aww, cut it out! Walang pakialamanan!
Because of that, I deleted the wishlist of the person I picked for our exchange gift (SEO team). Now, I have the liberty to get HER (clue!) whatever I desire. I just hope she’d like it.
or, I’m
going to take it back and give her money instead. Haha.
So I think my Dad is the only person in my family who wants to be surprised or he just doesn’t like guesing? =p
Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.
The skeptics, who may burst into laughter later, would surely find this crazy. I, even, used to think the whole idea to be utterly ridiculous. But it turned out to be one hell-and-hair-raising experience. The Mambabarang doesn’t look scary at all, something in my racing heart knew I was up for a spin. Literally.
OO, nakulam ako. I don’t know how to say it in plain discernible English, so there.
I’ve been having constant grumble with all my hurting internal organs such as my head, heart, and tummy. For over 5 years, doctors came up with the following diagnoses:
headache= migraine
chest pains= heartburn, chostochondritis
stomach ache= suspected ulcer, gall stones, hyper acidity,
gastroentoritis
I haven’t found a cure for any. Maybe I depended on pain killers for a while, but that didn’t last long enough to stop it from recurring. I don’t know if the pain caused my insomnia, irritability and mood swings. I haven’t got a clue for that. I just know that I was born with a stubborn mind and low tolerance for vexation. As far as I am concerned, I’ve been acting normally. Yeah, I can be strange sometimes, but then again…I’ve never been posessed. And for the latter part, I got it right. My soul had just been trapped in a jar for five long years and I (the proverbial voodoo doll) was left hanging. It was hard to believe. That for five years I’ve been robbed of the greater and central part of my being. And she explained that it was the only explanation for those times when I couldn’t focus on something and couldn’t seem to fathom what I am feeling. For those times when I feel that “I am not myself”, when I stare at a distance seemingly deep in thoughts. When she said that,it felt like I finally found the answer and believed it to be the truth. I’m
telling you, it’s probably one of the horrible realizations I’ve had in a lifetime. It may probably sound like a sleeping-beauty-fairy-tale-in-the-making life story, but you know, things like this happen. I really didn’t feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for the people I’ve hurt because of the
amplified destructive emotions that forced me to break or the lack of it.
That was not the only thing that was done to me. There are, in fact, several. Like sticking a barbeque through my chest, tying a knot around my tummy,letting candle wax drip over my head, etc, etc. I don’t care about all that crap anymore. All I care about now is that whatever
diabolical element that has been hanging over me has finally vanished. Or i would very much like to believe that I’m through with it and I’d be off as a whole (theoretically speaking) spiritual being again.
Now what? I was given a talisman that I should wear at ALL TIMES. And I mean all the time. When taking a bubble bath, sporting a bikini or whatever. Since it looks peculiar, maybe i’d make a chain for it and tie it around my ankles. I really don’t know for how long, but…okay,maybe as long as I can stand it. Oh, bummer!
Moral of the story:
Stay away from suspicious looking creatures with bad taste in clothing, ugly fringes, marble-like eyes, sharp darting tongue and an aura of oppressive cruelty. Or else, you’d be wearing a piece of unknown jewelry for the rest of your life! Dang, itchy!
If only I could swallow it whole, I would. Who knows what kind superheroine I’d turn into? Whoa, that would be a swell!
