As I was sorting out my stuff a while ago, as what my brother asked me to do, I found this dusty box full of floppy disks and CDs. So I rummaged through it and separated the ones I could trash out from those I could keep. From the CDs in my hand, I decided to feed into the player the one with a UK flag embossed on it. At first I couldn’t recognize it, even the handwriting on the front cover, until the video started with the song “Addicted” by Simple Plan. Haha. Aside from the band’s obvious shoddy (so British.haha) taste in music, I’ve hated them for years because of this particular song that practically makes me sick every time it streams through my ears. Now I remembered clearly, this video was made by a former…whatever. Haha. Actually, I shouldn’t have let him transferred the files from my video cam, but he volunteered – so there. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t say anything when he does favors for you with chocolates and stuff. I never saw him as a potential boyfriend. I never liked what seemed more than friendship with him. Showbiz! But there, I said it in a better way, didn’t I? I tried blocking the thought off of my head, so I have always welcomed it as a gesture of genuine kindness. You see, my insensitivity is history. It was the best way to avoid confrontations. Act as if you know nothing. Act as if you don’t care. Act as if you can’t feel. Thus, insensitive I was.
This was my first time to watch the full length. And I feel more embarrassed than disgusted. There was this bit where I was only wearing my usual “bed dress” and walking around the house. When I gave him the v1 tape, it didn’t occur to me that he might watch the whole thing by himself. I was only thinking then that he would just transfer the files and give it to me. How could I be so naïve? Haha. So much for my insensitivity huh? And I know, I know he saw every bit of it. How can I tell? Because when he handed it to me, he described every member of my family to me and he took in a mental picture of every detail of our house to the things I was doing the entire duration of the fiasco. Ha! And so I thought guys like that are too scared to try to upset me if I found out that he took the liberty to get a piece of the show. Turns out that guys like that are too self-assured that I won’t care about what they think or do in whatever circumstance. I taught myself not to feel anything at all…after all. And now, I started feeling again. Betrayal and repugnance. Shame and a lot of self-loathing. I couldn’t believe I’d been a victim of my own derision.
GONE CUCKOO 1.29.07
Chips, music downloads, picture taking on another lazy Sunday afternoon. This has been getting much like a habit. I’ve previously planned to carry on with my reading, but since my eyes are now starting to hurt I’d probably postpone it until tomorrow. Besides, I’d be on leave. It’s going to be my “recreation/recuperation” day. Hay, if only I have someone to tag along with to the gym, I would have been kicking ass right now. Haha. My aim is not to lose weight but to gain and work out for firming. I just don’t think getting a 3-month program at roughly 2,500 php monthly would be worth it. I can only free up my schedule on weekends and that’s it – no more time left for private talks, paparazzi-free activities as well as mall tours and possibly, meet and greet sessions with fans, ehem, I mean friends. Hehe.
Anyway, I helped my brother-in-law in moving the things in their room such as dressers, cabinet ad stuff. Prior to that, he asked me this question: “Malakas ka ba?” I replied, “malakas saan? Depende.” Then he pointed over the dresser, and I said okay, magbubuhat lang pala eh. Since I was wearing a spaghetti-strapped blouse, he noticed the bump of swelling muscles on my arms. “Wow, ang laki na ng muscles ah. Nag we-weights ka?”
As if he doesn’t know that I’ve been assisting my sister in taking care of his kids when he’s not around. You know what, however this may sound weird, I take pleasure in being the second mom to their cuddly kids. I really wanna be a mom one day. That’s only if God has already found me a man who would stick with me to the end when I reached the age of 30 or else, I’ll lock myself up in a convent and be a missionary nun. Hehe.
FAST FORWARD>>
It’s already 3:25 in the dead hours of the morning. I’m still in front of the laptop compiling songs and copying pictures to CDs. Argh, I want to catch some zzzs now but I just can’t fall asleep. I just finished watching Déjà vu, and it’s a great film – not a drag at all. I simply agree that you can’t change the past. When you stop one thing from happening, you will cause it to happen. And Denzel’s got another point for this, “Changing one thing DOESN’T change anything.” Hurrah!
What is this I am doing? I just said that Monday would be my rest day and here I am spending another minute acting like a freaking zombie, pigging out and doing nonsensical meddling with my chemically hazardous infested brain just like what I do in the office – except that there is no chatting on YM or whatsoever. I am completely alone here and feeling a little lonely I guess. And my head is busy pestering me, telling me to keep working. Ahh! Well, I can cancel my plans for this day and head to the office later instead – but I am not in the mood to work. But I need to talk to someone. I need to drain this stress out of me. I need a break. And to my mind that is swiftly drying up, I need a longer break, not just a weekend, not just a day but…a lavish vacation that would most definitely cause me to lose my job if I insist on it. Haha. Now what would be more worth it? Well, I still need money to afford that trip and right now I’m almost broke. No money, no honey. That’s the only way I could taste the sweetness of life. Maybe not totally, I’m still thinking of another way… watch me, never take those eyes off me. I won’t be sitting next to you by the next day. Or I might still be with you for another year or two, but the real me won’t stay stuck this way forever and remember that I was the one who told you that.
“No matter how hard you stop things from happening, it will keep happening. And you want to know why? It’s destiny. It’s fate.”
