“Eternity makes itself felt both in lasting relationships and those that last only for a time. In neither case is the soul concerned with literal time, but rather with the tone of the event. If it evokes eternity, then the friendship itself remains in imagination for endless time, even if the personal relationship does not.” – Thomas Moore
The readings given by Fr. Junrey, my mentor and close friend, are very timely for its ability to encapsulate my feelings right at this point in my life. And I remember what he asked me before I left, “Have you truly let him go?”. Silence. Hesitation. Faltering. A word escaped. Yes. He looked at me, now with probing eyes. “I mean, can you see your future without him being a part of it? Can you walk that road without stopping and thinking about what you’ve left?”
“Yes” was my reply with a voice just above a whisper. I shook my head, “I’m trying. Still trying. I just wish I could snap my fingers and forget about it all but I can’t do it that way, can I?”
Then later this day, I’ve learned…
The worst is not yet over. It has just begun.
I can’t hang in here, I have to do something.
I CAN’T SEEM TO FINISH ANYTHING!
and yes, I want to scream my frustration. I open my mouth, hesitated, then nothing comes out but a heavy and chest-tightening sigh. Suddenly, I realize that I am right about this day. Finding out something is turning as expected make it even more frustrating than it already is.At 1am, I decided to postpone my reading until later when my eyes started to hurt. And since I know my brain won’t accept any more data when I’m sleepy - it was better not to force myself to get to the last page of it. When I woke up after 5 hours of shut-eye, I hurriedly ran to the shelf and took the book out and carried it downstairs thinking that it would be nice to read while having breakfast alone - only that, there’s nothing for breakfast yet. So I had to cook. Baby Terence started to cry. I heard scrambling of feet upstairs and a few blinks later, I was no longer alone in the kitchen/living room. Instead of forging on to eat, I climbed back to my room with the book - finished off a few pages and finally gave in to TJ’s incessant wailing. You see, that’s the problem with some parents nowadays (sounding like my Dad) - when they know someone’s going to take care of their children, they forget about their responsibilities and pass it on to someone who wouldn’t say no. Anyway, reading has to be done another time. I had to change the nappies and get ready for work.
12pm, I was hurrying myself up in the shower when a frenzied knock on the bathroom door made me jump. I yelled in severe irritation, “What?!”. “Sarj, I have to pee. Please.” It was my sister almost begging for me to let her in. “Can’t you hold it in even for a minute? I’m really in a hurry!” Even if she heard me, she wouldn’t stop banging the damn door. So I unlocked it. There’s a partition between the toilet seat and the shower, so I really shouldn’t mind. But heck, I hate it. I really hate it when they do that just as I am starting to enjoy in my private space. That’s actually my favorite place in the house, that’s where I could let go of anything, where no one could hear or see you crying or cursing at the mirror. And yet, even demons follow me there and send someone to mess things up. And that just sucks.
And there’s one more thing I really hate. I hate seeing flirting women in public! It just irks me and throws me off. Saka hello naman?! Bakit sa kunduktor pa ng bus? So yeah, that INTERRUPTED my happy thoughts for a while and disgust streamed into my system. It kind of scandalized and disturbed me in a way. And I couldn’t forget the poker face of the guy and the smirk he gave me when my eyes, apparent of revulsion, shifted from the girls to him! Wow, it must feel really great to look so fucking good, cowboy! Haha. Here’s a raised eyebrow and a blank stare. With that, I ruined his moment just as they ruined mine with their chortling. Sorry. So, was I bad?
Most of all, I hate getting bored. The only good thing about boredom is that it gives me time to think about a lot of things or maybe it gives me the opportunity to dwindle away from routine. Oh no. Hold on. It’s not a good thing, is it? I shouldn’t be thinking about things that could give me migraine, loads of stress, muscle pain, screwed up memory and all that negativity. And where did I get the idea that it stops me from running around circles? Boredom is routinely present. Boredom doesn’t interrupt me; it slowly comes in each time to kill me bit by bit.
When will I see the end of this? The end of me?
“I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That’s the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about. “
And just like Chuck Palahniuk, I want to work in the funeral too and feel good about myself…
“just the fact that I am breathing.”
i hate you. and if you’re reading this, i hate you more. if you try to talk to me… you’re going to regret it.
