And you really want to know why I feel this miserable? Because this moment made me realize what I’ve been missing and will be missing. You made me remember how painful it is to say goodbye whether or not it’s going to be forever and how hard it is to move on…to get used to not having you guys around.
This is the side of me that hardly a handful knows. As if most of my actions are purely theatrical, everyone would agree that I can always pull it off behind the smiling mask I put on for the audience. But these are my real friends, who would probably take a little risk every now and then to get involved in my chaotic life. Believe me when I say that only the worthy has the guts to dare being close to me.
And to you, to all of you, as a sign of deep gratitude…here’s a ticket to hell. When you get there, I guarantee that you’ll see me at my worst, we would share the same amount of pain and suffering and there would be salvation if you can endure spelunking with me for the way out of that pit. I don’t mind being disappointed. I never expected much. I give credit for trying and I greatly appreciate that. For those who are still willing to stick with me, I guess this is the right time to tell you that the only key out of hell is to find someone who nurtures your growth, who puts off the flame when you’re burning and someone who gets the courage to defend you in despairing times…
That key is you. I couldn’t thank you enough.
And a teardrop falls, soothing the pain down my face with a streak.
We all have our favorite topics to talk about and some that we least want to get involved in. Whenever you get trapped in a discussion concerning cheating boyfriends, signs of being in love, fiscal crisis, no-good politicians and whatnot - you are, knowingly or unknowingly, expected to say your piece, an opinion, a word. Either you say something or nothing, people measure you up by what comes out of your mouth and how interested you are in taking a part in the conversation. Sometimes you want to become a smart ass to impress others, to feel superior or just to stun them by blowing off all their fucked up ideas to rest - once and for all. And sometimes you become the person who doesn’t want to make a fool out of himself and shuts up for the rest of the evening just to know what others think, the one who secretly laughs inside thinking how ridiculous people could get beating themselves up to win a debate or the one who acts as if he knows nothing and let others gain control and feel that the power is theirs. Sometimes, I am that person who silently sits back and enjoys my solitary space. And do I care what they think of me? Sometimes. Nothing a sip of frozen margarita couldn’t shake off. Most of the time, I don’t.
“You gain power by pretending to be weak. By contrast, you make people feel so strong. You save people by letting them save you.” - Choke
Issues on love and politics are the favorites among friends and collegues. I think politics is hopeless and by that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t think there’s no hopeless love - but I’d rather hear about tangible human emotion than senseless public acts I already know about. It’s not that I know more about love than politics, it’s not that heartaches appeal to me more than economic failures - because both starts with a deep sense of passion and breaks down as a result of a mistake. It’s just that I believe the world needs to understand more about the art of loving than the practical techniques in polemics. Feelings influence decisions. Decisions affect lives.
I know that it must be the reason why I chose not to pursue law school after college. I hate the way you always have to practice objectivity, throw your opinions away, set your feelings aside, strive to win every case by letting out the so-called truth, take money for every excellent justification you utter to defend other people. You use your money to patch up the errors of your ways, the holes made by constant lying and buy yourself a new set of principles. Wouldn’t that be great if I was a person without a heart and dignity? I am not even fit to be one of those hard-core journalists for crying out loud!
Even at this point, it’s wrong to deny that I was never guilty of letting my mind win over my heart. I don’t let my emotions blind me and I would like to believe that what I do is right. They say that there are no rules in loving and the only truth is what your heart tells you but sometimes I don’t believe in that. When you listen to yourself, you don’t try to determine whether it’s your heart or your mind that talks…you just listen to what you are ought to do and leave it all up to God.
Detaching yourself from your feelings is like killing a part of you to get one chance of saving yourself. And there had been times when I don’t let go of those fatal feelings and let it die in me - each day trying to get through life living with a part of cold, callous and dead emotions.
When you fall in love, everything you know about loving evades you. Everything seems new and glitters magically in your eyes. You are no longer the love guru that everyone seeks advices from; you are the one needing reasons and answers. Objectivity falters as you let your messed up heart rule over you. It takes you to greater heights, spins your world around yet nothing matters in this kind of bittersweet reality - even if you end up on the ground. Alone.
Love and politics, what do I know? I know that vote buying is similar to courting someone, you find out their weaknesses and give that one thing you know they need. And you pray real hard that they’d accept it out of desperation or if you’re lucky, you might find a loyalist who truly believes in you and accept it anyway. I know that it’s up to you how much time, effort and money you want to spend to be loved in return - in that way, you would be able to find out who among them likes more of your time or effort (maybe both) or money or all of it. And then decide which one you would go for. I know that when you present yourself to someone with your future plans, they have to be a part of it. You either stick to your promises or betray them with their trust. I know that you can only do so much until someone gives you a chance to completely prove yourself worthy. I know that none of it would work without mutual trust, reciprocated love, owning up to your mistake and the act acceptance when everything fails. I know that everybody deserves a second chance - and once you get it, it would be a crime to waste it away.
I know that you must give them every right to speak their mind and you have to willingly give them the freedom to choose whoever and whatever they prefer. And above all things, I know…that when you support each other’s dreams, take in consideration their best interests and make them your number one priority - there should be a total act of selflessness. Sadly though, only a few people have the courage to risk everything without the assurance of getting what they’re aspiring for. A lot of people are scared to appear last on the list, to become unsuccessful, to be ridiculed and to go home with a bruised ego and for the serious ones, to lose hope and see their dreams fall apart.
Besides that, I know nothing more. Nothing at all.
[House talking to a patient]
Patient: Time. Time changes everything.
HOUSE: It’s what people say. It’s not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing
things… leaves things exactly as they were.
Therefore, theoretically speaking, if you keep doing the same thing everyday - it has a way of changing things and changing the way you are? And when you do nothing, things don’t change? Is that it? Well, maybe…but really, it’s the people who naturally change. Or maybe just because I haven’t made any major alterations in my life, I haven’t changed so much myself.
What remained constant? It’s the way my feelings sometimes impose obscurity over my judgement or the way I always seem get attracted to drama. It’s like when my taste in music never changes - that sucks. I mean, I generally like music being an afficionado there are just some that really stick. I dig all sort of crooning from classics to emo. Sometimes I get tired of listening to it, but each time I go to read over the lyrics of my favorite songs - there it goes, repeating in my head again and still, I cannot forget that I need this self-inflicted pain. It was my standard of beautiful. It’s how attached I am to the words spoken as if I do not know that loving this part is a little too strange. When I hear that song, I no longer listen to the tune - I listen to the most important part. And I wait for the ideal lines that sting.But I would not listen to those songs for now.
If I let it play on again, at this very moment, something would change. I am not making any move because right now, I don’t want time to change anything.
