This will be the start of thrilling, horrifying, romantic, comical and action-packed nights! I finally found the cure to my chronic dormancy in this hell. Movies, mp3s and e-books - you just saved me.
I’ve done this before and now I am back to my bad habits. You’re right, it really is hard to break. We, along with my erstwhile officemates, used to bring our own stacks of dvs and vcds to work so we could watch the whole thing during the dead hours. But now that these suckers disabled my dvd combo drive, I’m off to downloading, editing site layouts, searching articles to improve site rankings and stuff - anything that could give my day a bit of excitement, err, or lessen my disappointments. Keeping your sanity is not a choice - just like slacking off, it’s the only thing that has to be done around here.
To VideoHybrid, OnlineCinema, Mininova and 4shared - thank you Super Friends! I am so glad we met! 
I had a scary dream again. I dreamt that I had no left eye. It didn’t feel strange until I washed my face and looked into the mirror. At first, my eyes were still closed then I opened it slowly - then I realized that I couldn’t feel anything from my left eye. When I looked at it closely, there was no eyeball! It was hollow and painful - like a black hole with a diameter of an inch. With a few blinks, it returned to normal. I got a pair of clear eyes again. But after a while, my eyeball was out again like it had been poked into the eyesocket. All that my right eye could see were eye muscles which might have been striated and some extraocular muscles and its slimy appearance. I passed out.
“Dreams of injured or closed eyes can symbolize a refusal to confront the truth about something you have been hiding from. This kind of dream is often about avoiding intimacy, or avoiding looking at something you should. Dreams about closed or injured eyes can also be expressions of pain or hurt feelings.”
Is it my inability to give my attention, not to mention my heart to someone, which probably found its way to manifest in dreams? Look, honestly, I am already out in the market but I am more of the stuff you see on display or the one on the reserved items list, lying with the rare stock. If you want to have one, you have to get another stock and not the one the mannequin wears. Maybe it differs only in color, size or some embelishment but as long as there are other almost similar choices left - it wouldn’t be taken out for you. If you want a reserved item, the only way to get it is to wait for the one who reserved it to cancel the purchase or pay a much higher price for it. Yes, I’ve tried this once. I paid more than the regular price just to steal an item from someone. Sometimes, it’s more like a long-running auction - you keep placing bids yet you don’t know when it will ever end. And all you have to do is watch that item and follow your gut feel. Are you going to risk waiting? Or move on to the next good catch?
The best thing is always worth the wait. Love, for one thing, is.
It also mentions about expressions of pain and hurt feelings.
Comment? Well, I am always hurting and it doesn’t really matter what it meant. I just know that hurting is better than not feeling at all.
“Dreaming about inwardly turned eyes can indicate a desire on the part of the dreamer to examine themselves and their psyche. These kinds of dreams often accompany psychological turning points in the life of the dreamer. This type of dream about eyes can also mean that your subconscious is trying to warn you to be aware of something, or that you need to look within yourself for answers. This kind of dream can be a warning to the dreamer to trust his or her instincts and intuitions.“
I don’t need to be aware that there are things in my life that are missing. I just don’t know yet why it’s missing, why there seem to be no way to find it and why I am not making any progress - to be honest, I STILL don’t know where to go. I just hope my instincts will lead me somewhere. Somewhere where monotony, discontent and lethargy don’t exist.
Nothing but endless ringing as I try to contact her and it seemed to be forever when I was impatiently waiting on the other line for her to pick up her phone, so I decided to put it down. Maybe she was sleeping or maybe she left her phone, I thought.
But there was a strong feeling that kept urging me to talk to her. There was something that I needed to tell her. So I tried again and still, I got nothing. Moments later, I got a message from her cousin that made me go crazy.
The message read as bluntly as this:
“Sarj, gadan na si Ghi. Kaibahan ko lang siya kasubago.”
[Sarj, Ghi is already dead. I was just with her a while ago.]
To my complete shock, I took a few blinks before I let out a long hysterical scream until I couldn’t hear myself anymore. I literally didn’t know what to do. I found myself running the streets, telling everyone about it and I couldn’t believe how there could be a lot of uncaring people on the surface of the earth giving you blank stares as you cry and mocking your emotions as you plead. Just who the hell do you think you are for these people to give a damn about you? You are no one. I am no one. Thus, I am ignored.
She is my bestfriend. I love her so much and I couldn’t believe I lost another important person in my life. As unacceptable as it is, I wanted to convince myself that it was just a bad dream and soon I’d wake up and laugh about how my subconscious tricked me again. I was covering my face, shaking my head, and rocking myself back and forth on bended knees begging God to bring me back to wakefulness and the last words I said was, “You won’t allow it to happen. I cannot lose her!”
In a snap, I woke up. Surprised to the taste of tears. I was really crying and there was no wonder.
The first thing I did was to reach for my phone and dial Ghi’s number. It kept ringing. No one’s answering and I was already freaking out. I tried a few times after that but there was nothing. The same incident in my dream. I could almost hear myself begging her to pick up the phone. If you know how precognitive some of my dreams can be, you’d totally flip over situations like this. It’s almost 10 in the morning, she’s usually on her way to the office during that time. She couldn’t still be sleeping! I kept texting her, there was no reply. You could tell I was already going crazy at this point, until I texted her cousin (the one in my dream) “Where is Ghi? Is she with you?”
Her message came right after I got a reply from Ghi. Thank God. They were together and on their way to Manila. Even knowing that they’re okay didn’t stop me from worrying. I told her about my dream and how scared I was about it. I think I might have appeared annoying as I went on insisting to take good care especially because they’re on a trip. I also told her to keep me posted and to keep in touch with me. It really bothered me bigtime. And I’m still thinking about it now. And I wouldn’t be put to rest until I see her tomorrow, until she gets back to Naga safely and until I am sure that there’s no cataclysmic meaning hidden in that shuddering dream. But how can I be sure?
I just don’t wanna hear about deaths in all forms of it. Death of a loved one, death of a relationship, death of a feeling, etc. - anything that has a period. Anything that has to end.
Last week, I remember how I took the news regarding my beloved Grandma’s death. It was heartbreaking that even my voice cracked. And it was the kind of feeling I had from my first heartbreak - but a lot worse. In that dream, it was the same thing - the feeling that a part of you dies everytime you try to accept the painful transitions of life. Change.
How many of you know how to deal with change quite perfectly? Does acceptance comes so easily as unexpected events disentangle? No. And as you know, that’s how my first relationship ended. Making changes and dealing with it was hard for both of us.
Coincidentally, as I was looking up for the meaning of dreams about death, these excerpts came out:
Meaning of dreams and dreaming about death
“When we dream of death, our emotions run high. Feelings of terror, anxiety or even liberation can dominate our mood upon waking. As with any other type of dream, there is no one answer for what the dream means. Generally speaking, however, dreams about death signify much needed change in our lives. Such dreams typically herald symbolic rather than literal death. In this way, death dreams let us know that some part of the self needs to be radically reworked, whether it be one’s attitudes, emotions, or relationships.”
“…it can also link to things that you cannot do now and limitations placed upon you. So overall look for changes and transitions in your life and your fears associated with them.”
“…it is often the most feared of symbols for obvious reasons. But it can link to the thought off death or some eerie moment the day before that really scared you. But really death is not such a bad symbol overall. It may link to a situation that has just ended in your life or change or transition such as leaving a job.”
Change. Exactly. And that’s my life’s cue.
