Emo emo emo…if you have a low self-esteem, that would explain why “emo” people are somewhat portrayed as some sick suicidal junks on earth - if you know what I mean by that adjective.
Luckily, I am not that type of emotional freak wanting to get attention and physical affection for crying out loud! I don’t walk around with my coal-rimmed eyes in Gothic fashion and giving up high fives with my fellow sickos as we kick start the day with screamo music. Why would I want the world or anyone for that matter to feel my anger, pain and disgust for my own kind? Why would I let anyone suffer and sympathize with me if I am supposed to make people feel better? You need something that would help you crawl out of that hole, not to bury yourself in it.
Yes, I do get my own share of emotional drama like most of the time…but that’s part of the way I am and as much as possible, I never wanted it to show. In stating that, it doesn’t also mean that I just keep it all inside. I do let it out in any way I could think of. I become more productive when I am stuck in a funk actually, because I make myself useful but not when I am down with a fever. As you know, it doesn’t help a bit when you’re being so damn worthless, lying around all the time. Yeah yeah, I actually need to get some sleep by now but I slept from 7-11pm - just woke up for my dinner. And now, I just can’t go back to dreamland again! So you know what I am getting myself busy with at the moment? It’s Kokology - A series of Self-Discovery Tests! 
I’ve always wanted to buy this book but always found no time to get one or whenever I get the time, I don’t have the money. haha! See how strange circumstances are? 
Anyway, the net has given me an alternative…I got myself an e-book! Ha! Freeloader pirate! Anyway, I took some of the tests.. and I’d like to post this one.
Adrift On the Breeze
Can you still remember those long summer days when school was out, you had no responsibilities and there was nothing but time from when you woke up till the sun finally went down? Time for play and adventure, time to daydream and roam. Hours to spend on childhood diversions… flying kites.. watching clouds…blowing bubbles.
Image you are out again on a childhood summer’s day, blowing bubbles in an open field. Which of the following best describes the scene you imagined?
1. The bubbles you blow float away high into the sky.
2. You are blowing hundreds of tiny bubbles through your plastic ring.
3. You’re concentrating on blowing a single enormous bubble.
4. The bubbles you make are carried behind you on the breeze.
Results
(more…)
You know what reeks? It’s when the weather is so fine while I am not. You want to get out there and have fun, but you are just too weak to move a muscle and it even hurts when you do. Frankly though, I’ve never felt this wretched ill before because it was more than physical exhaustion and when I say it’s more than that, you get the drift.
Aww, I hate missing people. People come as swiftly as they go and even if you’re almost getting used to it, it pays to take some time to train yourself to detach in the easiest possible way. But whatever I do to master the art of letting go, it’s still like a piss in the wind! Although I swear, I am not going to let these emotions and thoughts take over me or I’ll go cuckoo before the last minute of this heartbreaking song I’m listening to ends.
Okay, I’ll quit blaming my confused senses on my chest and muscle pains, sore throat, chronic sneezing jag and dry cough. I just do feel that everything hurts but my hands that couldn’t get off the keyboard when I was actually wishing that it froze up for a moment to take a break. In that way, I would have a perfect excuse not to communicate how slushy I’m feeling at this hour of the day. But with my hands I feel spontaneous about everything…especially when the only way I could get these pent-up feelings out is through a crappola of uncensored writing!
And before I could stop myself from saying more than what I intended, let me give you a trivia.
Do you know that last July 27th was the 2nd year anniversary of my single-blessedness? And thank goodness I didn’t act like a total klutz when I realized it! haha! 
You know what I did?! I celebrated with the whole family and lastly, gave in to a a gallon of ice cream to top it all off! Honestly, I suppose that’s what gave me sore throat plus singing Mr. Big’s Just Take My Heart at the top of my lungs! 
Well, I don’t know…but I’m pretty sure it was not depression that get me to acting crazy because I’m like that ALL THE TIME. I just know that my malady started with a gallon of ice cream and a song that I crooned with my heart out!
Now that we’ve got to the bottom line, I’ve decided that what’s happening with me right now isn’t as bad as I thought. If this is the price I had to pay for a few hours of happiness, I wouldn’t mind paying double the next day…if I only could be happier now. As in right now. But I guess the only thing that could make things better is to get a gallon of ice cream and someone to share it with. 
Today is my turn to say the words… “I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!”
I knew this is going to happen just when you thought you’ve had it all figured out. Well, it’s not just some manic setback that suddenly arises, it’s been there all along… I just thought I could be spared from it and it’s hard to accept, that my presumption turned out wrong. Just this one time, I am wishing to be freed from sacrificing my own happiness for other people’s sake. I mean, it’s not like what would be best for my loved ones won’t make me happy, but for me to be able to fully give it to them means that I would have to give up what I want. It means that I would have to wait for my dreams to be realized. Sitting right here, bursting with ideas that cannot materialize, trying to keep the passion alive and waiting to strike at the right moment, is simply tormenting me! What a torture, I say!
I feel like a pet dog on a leash, watching a bone being thrown overhead, forever anticipating to take a chance to catch it before it hits the ground then you take your position and rush towards it, but just a few inches before having your bite marks on the bone – something tugs at your neck, chokes you up and drags you back to your cage. I’m not sure how a real dog would feel about losing a bone to other rabid mutts, but it must feel this way…it must feel utterly dejected.
Then the person who takes hold of it would pat the dog on the head and ruffle its fur and say, “Don’t worry boy, we got you a better meal at home…just wait ‘til we get there.” But if that dog could talk, can I guess what it would say?! “F***! No! Who told you I want meaty pedigree food? I want that bone that everybody wants and I want it NOWWWWW!!!!”
But…being the ever obedient and loyal pet, it wouldn’t bite off its owner’s arm unless it has already gone mad.
I have had a lot of experience taking care of pets; I only let them go when I know they could already take care of themselves and when I’m confident that they can find their way back home. There have also been a few times when I grieve for the lost of some because I made the mistake of letting them go when I felt they needed their freedom.
I’ve never been a dog and I doubt if I’d be reincarnated into one so I can’t speak for them, but I’ve been a pet owner…and having a pet that’s close to your heart feels like having a child, if you know what I mean (and not that I’m saying I’ve been a mother.lol!:P trying to cheer myself up!)
So which side I should understand better is pretty clear, as you can see, although I still feel it’s time and I am ready to go on my own now yet how do I reason it out?
Argh, I’m trying so hard not to acquire the irrationality of a dog and to remind myself that I am human and that I should know better!
Hmm yeah, why should I be confused really? I am acting as if I’m not capable of doing loads of things at the same time. This is actually what I like about ranting and blogging, after pouring all my sentiments out…I find a solution to my problem. But no, it’s not an easy task…I am still required to sacrifice something that means a lot to me. I just hope I am the only one who would suffer. I can take it, mind you, just as long as I don’t see anyone hurt or my heart would break. Have I not told you that playing a martyr is one of my hidden talents? I rarely use it, but it comes in handy when extremely needed.
Note: Martyrdom is fatal to remorseful ones. There, I have at least one thing to be thankful for – that I am not the type to sulk in regrets. *smile Sarj, good things are bound to happen in the end*
*this was two days overdue.
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