Waking up in the middle of the night, turning to the person sleeping beside me and straining my eyes to make out a face out of the hazy silhouette. Moving closer, the image becomes clearer - it’s not who I thought it was, the face was just my Mom’s and not someone else’s.
Then I looked around me, everything’s exactly the same as I had in my mind before the magical second I was jolted out of sleep. I had an utterly wonderful dream, almost perfect in all aspects. But waking up and knowing what is actually happening and bound to happen, gave me a nightmarish feeling. Am I in the right place? Is my head still screwed on? Is this happening? What is real and what is not? I often mistake figments of my imagination for real life events and vice versa and even if I am totally aware of the cropping up reality, if it’s sure going to be a tragic memory, I try to push it at the very back of my mind and throw an invisible cloth over it. In that way I won’t remember it happened when it did. My life has become a nightmare. Now I know why there are a lot of crazy people on earth and all of them fantasize about the unreal - it does feel a lot better when you learn to take your mind away from reality. I could understand that and you could call me crazy just for that reason.
Surely, sooner or later it has to come out in the open, it has to be recognized, it has to be welcomed and it has to be greeted with an unfaltering smile. Yet until I am ready, I refuse to be affronted by it.
Weighing down my wins and losses, decidedly, I am a failure once again. Even the concept of time, the sense of self-worth and the ability to unload the burden off the ones I care about - I have lost.
And to think, I’m supposed to be happy now that I’m back, but I am feeling worse than ever. Well I just realized, this blog is not really made for funny stories (maybe just on the sides) and happy endings after all - this blog exists to cater to riddling ramblings and add another agitator to the chaos in cyberworld.
While I am sitting down thinking how I would make this day productive despite the earlier letdown I had this morning, a question springs up from my head…
When do people start to care?
Is it when a few compliments are given and some harsh words are filtered out? Or is it when you caught someone saying something unpleasant about you then you make a conscious effort to prove them wrong? Or…
…is it when you get used to the comfort of hearing a familiar voice responding to every comment you say and suddenly you realize, everything you hear is just an echo of your own quaking voice because in all actuality - no one’s really there?
No one is really there…but is this enough reason to be bothered about? What would you rather find distressful? Is it the fact that you finally cared or the realization that you are alone? For someone who has gone to the point of indifference, what does really matter now?
Maybe I had been selfish to others or that I had been cruel to myself for not giving myself a chance to get to know sadness well. Yes, it is cruel to deny yourself of feeling a negative emotion - you are simply being unfair. Sadness should be on a mutual level with happiness. It shows you care when you embrace both, when you stop acting indifferent towards either of it.
Now, since I already know how to care…when do I start NOT to care?
Rather, how?!
Contrary to what you read about women in magazines, the word “shopping” doesn’t really excite me. I don’t know about you, but I have never really felt relaxed when shopping especially during the holiday season when every place is crowded. Haha! Unlike my sister, I really can’t stand roaming around the malls for hours bouncing from one shop to another, trying out clothes and waiting in line for a new stock. I only shop when necessary and oftentimes, I just order stuff online! LOL! I’m actually scrimpy with my own needs. But when I’m with my nephews and they want me to get them something, sometimes I don’t think twice. But if it’s for myself, I’d probably think it over a hundred times. It’s either my mind is debating on whether it is worth my money or I am not sure if I have enough money to buy what I REALLY want. I could be picky. If I buy something for myself, it means I really want it and I can’t wait for someone to give it to me! Haha. Well, I am not even an impulsive hoarder so you cannot expect me to buy piles of clothes (and leave most of it hanging in the closet for months before I use it), numerous pairs shoes or whatever. Though it’s highly possible to see me pushing 5 carts full of groceries, with cans of beer and bottles of wine, out of the supermarket twice a month. 
Anyway, you must be wondering why I am rambling about these things… Well, it’s because I have to go shopping! I’m just glad that I just have to worry about my little nephews and some of my godchildren. 
You know, I wouldn’t want to deprive these kids of the happiness in getting presents during Christmas. Most of them have associated Christmas day with gift giving and since the adults can understand that gifts could come anytime before or after that day, I’d go shopping on the 26th for them! LOL! Or I could just treat them out if they don’t dig gifts anymore…like my parents. 
So, hold on… *sneaking out* I’ll get back to you later.
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I can’t believe I just spent thousands on a Transformers toy for my nephew! I know, I know - it is impractical! But he’s been such a good boy and you’re just too indifferent if you could resist that charming smile - heartless even! LOL! After that, I bought some clothes for my other nephews ’cause I love to dress them up. Oh no, not like Barbie dolls, okay? Haha!
Then after that, we headed down to my favorite stopover - the supermarket! On top of everything else, my main mission was to get the ingredients for my pasta recipes! And here’s the news: they’ve already ran out of basil and parsley, as expected and they don’t even know what a rosemary herb is. Wahh! So I really have no choice now but to stick to my Carbonara and Spaghetti and anchovies in tomato sauce (this is something new which I got to try). I’ll also take care of the tacos. As for the rest of the ingredients I bought, it’s up to my Mom what to make out of it. Not my problem anymore. Haha!
Anyway, do you want to know the best thing about our trip to the supermarket? Alcoholic beverage/wine tasting! Haha! Got us a little tipsy and it made me load up my cart with some, hmm..*secret*..but hey, I’m okay now and I didn’t regret buying it even if it ate half of my budget for groceries. Haha!
Look how happy I was…
Ooohh, wow! Haha!
Could I get another shot, please?
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