I wish I could color my words and hide the ugliness in it…but all I have is black and what it implies.
It’s resurfacing…all the words I’ve lost to you. I thought I already had it known before that day robbed me of all my strength to become completely honest with what I feel. I may not have the right to say this and may never have the chance to say it straight to your face - but this is far from what I have hoped for. I don’t even think I’ve expected to much from this - I just let things be, don’t I? And all you did was to avoid what confronts you.
So why do you make me stay? When you know that…
…I do not stay to be ignored. I do not speak to be interrupted. I do not say the truth to be ridiculed. I do not walk towards you to be pushed away. I do not let go to be burdened with more guilt.
I did not choose to become your friend to be treated like a threat to your existence.
But do you really know what goes inside my head right now? I highly doubt you do, yeah, why would you have to give a damn?
Do yourself a favor, pull that plug and let me go down the drain with all the memories you left with me.
I mean it and I am not saying that just because your chosen course of action is beginning to enrage me - it’s because I’m feeling the need to let off some steam before I explode into pieces you could never hold together without hurting yourself.
I have no idea where it came from but I think I’ve swallowed a whole package of happy pills before I left home yesterday or was it just brought to me by pure luck? It’s like I woke up one day and suddenly a feeling surmounted that tells everything’s going to go smoothly. Well I know I’ve said it before, I don’t write when I am extremely happy - only when I’m down in the dumps or just for some reason connected to that. But today is different! 
My week started right and I am thankful for it! I am just thankful for each day I feel this way and I wish this unflinching exuberance I enjoy at the moment never ends. Ever.
Some people tell me that they just love how I find humor in everything. Yeah, I am not hard to please at all. It’s so easy to tickle my funny bone even if I am not feeling so well. I never forced a smile or cough out a laugh just to please people - it’s genuine enough to make them see that I can be happy without too much effort. 
I always spread out the contagious happy virus. Haha! Ah, you can just imagine how hyper I can get during happy times like this. 
If I could choose a time to die, God could take me now.
“If God answers your prayer, He is increasing your faith…
If God delays, He is increasing your patience…
If God doesn’t answer, He knows you can handle the situation.”
So cheer up, pop a happy pill!
You know what reeks? It’s when the weather is so fine while I am not. You want to get out there and have fun, but you are just too weak to move a muscle and it even hurts when you do. Frankly though, I’ve never felt this wretched ill before because it was more than physical exhaustion and when I say it’s more than that, you get the drift.
Aww, I hate missing people. People come as swiftly as they go and even if you’re almost getting used to it, it pays to take some time to train yourself to detach in the easiest possible way. But whatever I do to master the art of letting go, it’s still like a piss in the wind! Although I swear, I am not going to let these emotions and thoughts take over me or I’ll go cuckoo before the last minute of this heartbreaking song I’m listening to ends.
Okay, I’ll quit blaming my confused senses on my chest and muscle pains, sore throat, chronic sneezing jag and dry cough. I just do feel that everything hurts but my hands that couldn’t get off the keyboard when I was actually wishing that it froze up for a moment to take a break. In that way, I would have a perfect excuse not to communicate how slushy I’m feeling at this hour of the day. But with my hands I feel spontaneous about everything…especially when the only way I could get these pent-up feelings out is through a crappola of uncensored writing!
And before I could stop myself from saying more than what I intended, let me give you a trivia.
Do you know that last July 27th was the 2nd year anniversary of my single-blessedness? And thank goodness I didn’t act like a total klutz when I realized it! haha! 
You know what I did?! I celebrated with the whole family and lastly, gave in to a a gallon of ice cream to top it all off! Honestly, I suppose that’s what gave me sore throat plus singing Mr. Big’s Just Take My Heart at the top of my lungs! Well, I don’t know…but I’m pretty sure it was not depression that get me to acting crazy because I’m like that ALL THE TIME. I just know that my malady started with a gallon of ice cream and a song that I crooned with my heart out!
Now that we’ve got to the bottom line, I’ve decided that what’s happening with me right now isn’t as bad as I thought. If this is the price I had to pay for a few hours of happiness, I wouldn’t mind paying double the next day…if I only could be happier now. As in right now. But I guess the only thing that could make things better is to get a gallon of ice cream and someone to share it with. 
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