It’s resurfacing…all the words I’ve lost to you. I thought I already had it known before that day robbed me of all my strength to become completely honest with what I feel. I may not have the right to say this and may never have the chance to say it straight to your face - but this is far from what I have hoped for. I don’t even think I’ve expected to much from this - I just let things be, don’t I? And all you did was to avoid what confronts you.

So why do you make me stay? When you know that…

…I do not stay to be ignored. I do not speak to be interrupted. I do not say the truth to be ridiculed. I do not walk towards you to be pushed away. I do not let go to be burdened with more guilt.

I did not choose to become your friend to be treated like a threat to your existence.

But do you really know what goes inside my head right now? I highly doubt you do, yeah, why would you have to give a damn?

Do yourself a favor, pull that plug and let me go down the drain with all the memories you left with me.

I mean it and I am not saying that just because your chosen course of action is beginning to enrage me - it’s because I’m feeling the need to let off some steam before I explode into pieces you could never hold together without hurting yourself.

Due to my utter disappointment and hopelessness in every horror movie I watch…

…can anyone just, please, kill me? And don’t just leave a mess that marks the end of my life, for Pete’s sake! Don’t make your mission pointless by not letting everyone know why I have to die. Oh shit, has movie directors/producers really lost their artistic sense?! Generally, American horror movies are crap - really! I just keep hoping it’ll get better but it doesn’t. That’s the reason why they always attempt to reinvent ideas from Asian horror movies. Argh! I should’ve known just by looking at the dvd cover. Apparently, the saying “simplicity is beauty” doesn’t apply to it anymore.

You keep reaching out to me yet I feel
nothing in your hands, but the coldness that burns
and you pretend to be numb and overlook
that one season in our lives was all it took
to decide whether we want to be under the sun forever
or walk through different seasons until it’s over

But you run towards winter too soon
before it catches up on you,
So you hang in there freezing in time,
dying to become someone new…

Luckily, I am not that type of emotional freak wanting to get attention and physical affection for crying out loud! I don’t walk around with my coal-rimmed eyes in Gothic fashion and giving up high fives with my fellow sickos as we kick start the day with screamo music. Why would I want the world or anyone for that matter to feel my anger, pain and disgust for my own kind? Why would I let anyone suffer and sympathize with me if I am supposed to make people feel better? You need something that would help you crawl out of that hole, not to bury yourself in it.

Yes, I do get my own share of emotional drama like most of the time…but that’s part of the way I am and as much as possible, I never wanted it to show. In stating that, it doesn’t also mean that I just keep it all inside. I do let it out in any way I could think of. I become more productive when I am stuck in a funk actually, because I make myself useful but not when I am down with a fever. As you know, it doesn’t help a bit when you’re being so damn worthless, lying around all the time. Yeah yeah, I actually need to get some sleep by now but I slept from 7-11pm - just woke up for my dinner. And now, I just can’t go back to dreamland again! So you know what I am getting myself busy with at the moment? It’s Kokology - A series of Self-Discovery Tests! I’ve always wanted to buy this book but always found no time to get one or whenever I get the time, I don’t have the money. haha! See how strange circumstances are? Anyway, the net has given me an alternative…I got myself an e-book! Ha! Freeloader pirate! Anyway, I took some of the tests.. and I’d like to post this one.

Adrift On the Breeze

Can you still remember those long summer days when school was out, you had no responsibilities and there was nothing but time from when you woke up till the sun finally went down? Time for play and adventure, time to daydream and roam. Hours to spend on childhood diversions… flying kites.. watching clouds…blowing bubbles.

Image you are out again on a childhood summer’s day, blowing bubbles in an open field. Which of the following best describes the scene you imagined?

1. The bubbles you blow float away high into the sky.

2. You are blowing hundreds of tiny bubbles through your plastic ring.

3. You’re concentrating on blowing a single enormous bubble.

4. The bubbles you make are carried behind you on the breeze.

Results

1. You see your own dreams as elusive and unattainable, flying away from you like soap bubbles on the wind. Maybe you’re wishing for too much, too soon or are caught up in an impossible fantasy. Whatever the case may be, the gap between your dreams and reality is wide. As much as you may like to tell others of your grand schemes and plans for the future, somewhere inside yourself is a voice telling you how fragile and fleeting those dreams are.

2. You’ve set your sights on the immediate attainables-new clothes, a car, a boyfriend or girlfriend. Your dreams are sensible and always within your reach. Decide what it is you want most in the world and work for it. If you chase after everything at once, you stand a good chance of ending up empty handed.

3. You have a single, all important dream or ambition that drives your entire life. Hold on to that desire and keep striving toward your goal. Given time, you’ll see that it’s not so far from your grasp.

4. Your disappointing experience with unfulfilled hopes and dreams in the past shapes how you think today. But the experiences of chasing after and losing a few dreams along the way was all just training for you as you make new goals for the future. Don’t be afraid to keep dreaming-the only people who never fail are those who never try.

I answered with number 3. And it hit the bingo! I just have one enormous dream…and I am working hard on it each day.

*Somewhere Down The Road is currently playing and is starting to sound like a cat repeatedly scratching a piece of blackboard*

Again, I am perfectly fine. Damn, why do songs like this ruin my day?! And why do I allow it to? How funny is it that when you’re not looking for an excuse to feel good, life reminds you right away that there is indeed a reason for everything? Everytime I stop and wonder why, sometimes I really don’t want to know what’s behind all this…sometimes I just want to sit there and wonder forever, feel utterly confused without even knowing why and just let it hurt until it sinks into oblivion.

When experiencing constipation, the best way is to keep a straight face and no one would suspect.